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Monday, June 8, 2009

I've actually seen worse

[The person who sent this list of hospital chart bloopers to the listserve for freelance medical writers I'm on said she couldn't vouch for the veracity of the list. But believe me, I've seen worse. I'm willing to bet these were actually entered on patients' charts. The comments in brackets are mine. Enjoy.]


Actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.
[My mother once called me and left a message saying that my sister-in-law's breast cancer surgery had gone well, my sister-in-law was doing fine, and they'd have the results of the autopsy in a couple of days.]

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
[Thank God for that. Hospitals need all the paying patients they can get.]

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot
in bed last night.
[Probably sprained something.]

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
[You think?]

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
[It's not me, Doc. It's you.]

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
[Sure glad I wasn't the patient!]

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got
a divorce.
[That's what happens when the guy you marry turns out to be an absolute s***.]

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
[I had that once. It seemed to last forever.]


  1. For some reason, #5 made me laugh the hardest. And I would have to say that #11 was me! :D

    Thanks for the giggles.

  2. They are all good, but that last one made me spew my water all over the monitor. It's so very true.

    Have a terrific day. :)

  3. #4 should be followed by a ba dum bum

    One of my jobs used to be working for a podiatrist, I once had a patient tell me that she had psychotic nails as a result of a heart problem...mycotic nails is what she really had.

    It will be funny to you Grandpa, that's what I'm going for here....

    Peace - Rene

  4. Number 9 looks familiar, though I swear I had SOMEONE'S permission....

    and i loved Rene's comic drum beat suggestion :))

  5. I love these, Grandpa. Fun. I've seen worse in hospital charts...when I could read them :)

  6. hahahaha... these are hilarious!!

  7. Seen this before and its still funny!

  8. All I can think is:
    "If these people are working, how do I make some cash for my family doing BETTER?"

    Glad to see your post. I'm OK but not functioning at the highest right now.....aloha friend

  9. Oh My God!! I was trying so hard to stop laughing out loud because I'm at WORK!!

    Love these!!

  10. My favorites were 7, 23, and 25. :)